i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
