Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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