we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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