once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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