Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
