$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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