I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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