I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
