I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
