i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize