i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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