I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My vagina just recognized that song.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize