I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
