I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Drunk is a universal language darling
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
