I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
