he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
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