but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
