His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
