I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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