when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
