They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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