So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
