I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
