Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Semen is not good for contacts.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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