I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
