I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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