i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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