this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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