I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
