Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
