I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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