I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
