textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
