the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
