I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
