cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
