my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
