you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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