I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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