My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
