Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
