Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
