life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
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