i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I AM VODKA MAN
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
