I CAN MOONWALK!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
