My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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