if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
