I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
