I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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