my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
