So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
