and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
