you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize