Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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