I puked a lego.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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