He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
