i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
