Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
