Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Sober January is a disaster.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
