i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
