i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
