She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
