why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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